"I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
This quote comes from (of course) my favorite show, The Office and it perfectly fits my situation right now. Although the context of that entire episode doesn't translate, the fact remains that I've been completely unaware of myself and my actions and my words for the past 9 months or so. Up until recently I didn't know how completely bitter I sounded. It's been building up all this time, and it's coming to a head pretty soon, I fear. I only hope none of my friends are nearby when it happens, or anyone else I care about for that matter. Luckily I don't have to worry about hurting my family since they're 1,000 miles away and the chances of running into them in the midst of my breakdown are about a million to one. Yay, lucky me, I never see my family. So... stay back, Orlando friends... I might snap.
I'm not sure if it's a Gemini trait but I find myself so hot & cold about life these days. One minute I'm all happiness & peace & love & light & positive energy, and the next minute I hate everyone & everything, hate all types of music & all types of movies, and pretty much anyone who's happy is my mortal enemy. Right now I feel I'm somewhere in between, but definitely leaning more towards hating everyone. I think my eternal struggle is caused by many things, but mainly I struggle with knowing how I SHOULD be approaching life, while simultaneously facing the REALITY of my situation. What I should be doing and what I'm able to do are two totally different things. This struggle exists for me on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels. I'm totally drained all the time as a result of all this.
Yikes. This could turn into a novel of theological speculation... so I'm going to end it now. Just had to let a bit of frustration out.
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2 comments:
I think you summed it up: "a novel of theological speculation." You should totally turn to writing more. Not necessarily blogging, but just writing your thoughts and feelings down...I've been writing a lot lately and it's been helping me compartmentalize so many of my thoughts...ranging from happiness, depression, rage, boredom, listlessness, hopelessness, being lost, lonely...the list goes on and on. Just getting your feelings OUT. It provides a great sense of relief, even if no one reads any of it.
And you know, you are not alone. I feel so much of what you do. Just try to make the best of any situation...think positive thoughts and you will yeild positive results. Just keep sticking to it, it may not be immediate, but good things come to those who wait. I really believe that. I have to.
Oh, and side note? My word verification word is "badblyn." Thought you should know.
Badblyn is officially your new nickname. I huh-LOVE it.
And I'm working on my 'tude. It's just easier said than done... I almost feel like to have a positive attitude is to ignore everything that's eating me and pretend I'm happy. I sort of feel like that won't solve anything, but I do understand the importance of getting my mind in the right place in order to make change happen. It's just a matter of forcing myself into that mindset... vicious cycle.
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