Sunshine, my baby.

I have no children and have no intention of changing that any time soon. Meanwhile, I've planted a seed (a mini sunflower, as I've mentioned previously) and have been obsessing over it since the first green seedling sprouted up. Here are some of the latest photos.

Seeing the Light...?

"I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."

This quote comes from (of course) my favorite show, The Office and it perfectly fits my situation right now. Although the context of that entire episode doesn't translate, the fact remains that I've been completely unaware of myself and my actions and my words for the past 9 months or so. Up until recently I didn't know how completely bitter I sounded. It's been building up all this time, and it's coming to a head pretty soon, I fear. I only hope none of my friends are nearby when it happens, or anyone else I care about for that matter. Luckily I don't have to worry about hurting my family since they're 1,000 miles away and the chances of running into them in the midst of my breakdown are about a million to one. Yay, lucky me, I never see my family. So... stay back, Orlando friends... I might snap.

I'm not sure if it's a Gemini trait but I find myself so hot & cold about life these days. One minute I'm all happiness & peace & love & light & positive energy, and the next minute I hate everyone & everything, hate all types of music & all types of movies, and pretty much anyone who's happy is my mortal enemy. Right now I feel I'm somewhere in between, but definitely leaning more towards hating everyone. I think my eternal struggle is caused by many things, but mainly I struggle with knowing how I SHOULD be approaching life, while simultaneously facing the REALITY of my situation. What I should be doing and what I'm able to do are two totally different things. This struggle exists for me on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels. I'm totally drained all the time as a result of all this.

Yikes. This could turn into a novel of theological speculation... so I'm going to end it now. Just had to let a bit of frustration out.

And while we're on the topic...

You know, I thought I was done with the topic of close friends who get into relationships and neglect all their friends, but apparently I have lots more to say.

Has this ever happened to you:

You have a friend of the opposite sex (or, a friend of the same sex if you're gay/lesbian). You two talk at least once a week regularly, about your jobs, lives, problems, etc. You get to a point where you'd consider this person a close friend. Then suddenly, your friend mentions they've been seeing someone lately and it's new and it's exciting and they're having a good time blah blah blah... and then 2 months later (which is the only other time you're able to reach that person on the phone because they have been M.I.A. for the last 2 months) they're telling you they're in a pretty serious relationship with the aforementioned person. Then after that, you're lucky to hear from that person every 6 months, if at all. Without realizing it you start to harbor feelings of anger towards your friend, for ditching you at the moment someone more "important" came along. You also may start to resent the person who swooped in with his/her magical ways and stole your friend right out from under you. The range of emotions goes on and on.

Every time I consider this scenario which has indeed happened to me more than once, it raises several questions. I am going to attempt to ask and answer these questions (from my perspective).

1. Do you have the right to be upset? I think so, within reason. This person was your friend! As with any friendship, you grow a fondness for someone and become accustomed to their friendship and its routine, whatever that routine may be. For them to just suddenly walk away from that without a second thought, truly makes that person seem like a self-absorbed a-hole. You're a person who feels things... if you didn't get upset, what kind of friendship did you have in the first place?
   
   
2. Would you do the same thing if it were you? Probably. I believe it's human nature to tune out the rest of the world when you're in the beginning of a relationship with someone. That person is all you think about, and all you want to do is be with / talk to that person. Knowing that, there is a certain amount of time you should probably give your friend to soak up all of the new-relationship juice they need. It takes a good 6 months at least. So, give them the benefit of the doubt for 6 months and see what happens.
   
   
3. Was your friend just using you to occupy his/her time? This all depends on the nature of your friendship. If you found yourselves talking about everything from the inane to the thought-provoking, laughing and joking together, hanging out together and having a good time in each others' company, then it was probably a genuine and true "friend" connection that should hopefully stand the test of time. Give them that 6 month window I mentioned, they'll come around. If you found yourselves veering into the naughty realm of conversation after a few drinks or after dark, weeellll.... that's a little tricky. When you get into conversations like that with your friends, it ignites many many dormant thoughts you both may have had and while it's probably okay to entertain them if you're both single, it might be a little inappropriate to keep that up if one of you gets into a relationship with someone else. And the other thing to consider is were you EVER romantically involved with this friend? If so, there's your answer. So again, this one depends on the friendship.
   
   
4. Should you tell your friend how you feel? Now this one is also kind of tricky. Either way, you'll end up feeling the same way whether you do or not... because I guarantee you, your friend will not ease up on spending time with their significant other to be a better friend to you. Now personally, I'm usually a person who keeps her deepest thoughts and feelings inside. Only once have I spoken my mind to someone about this very thing, because I wasn't the only friend who was complaining that he'd dropped off the face of the earth as soon as he got into a relationship. I told my friend how I felt and didn't hear anything from him for at least 1.5 years. I don't regret it saying what I said though, because in that case I knew we (my other friends and I) were right, and he (the friend who walked away) was wrong. I also knew that eventually we'd patch things up. I'd weigh the consequences on this one, because only you know what kind of person your friend is and how he/she would respond.

Not sure why I felt compelled to write this now, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I've lost several of my male friends this year due to relationships, and I'm missing them. But hey... that's life.